The Underwear Shopping Trip That Went Horribly Wrong

I RSVP'd and participated in the Coinstar and Twittermoms Twitter party a couple weeks ago. The first 50 people to sign up were rewarded with various gift cards. I received a $50 JC Penney GC and knew instantly that "Mama was getting some new underwear."

I'm embarrassed to admit it. I think the last time I bought new underwear (for myself) was when I was pregnant with my son. That would be early 2003. Don't judge. I've just had better things to spend money on...and I'm NOT a big shopper. It was getting very difficult to find a pair in my drawer that I would feel okay about in the event of an accident (being rushed, unconscious, to the hospital), some days I just went without.

So after a week of dreaming of new underwear, I was finally on my way. A girls trip shopping, Puddin Pop and I. We went straight to the lingerie department and I started looking for the best deals. I wanted the maximum. Who knew when I would be back. I had 5 pairs selected @ $2.99 each. In my hand. Off to look at bras. Then I noticed an even better deal. 3 pairs for ONLY $6.49. I scoured the rack for my size of these pre-packaged panties. I also wanted cotton, which apparently so did everyone else in my size. I finally found a pack and decided I would also get a pack of the "silky" ones. PP by now was playing hide-and-seek under the racks so I knew my time was limited. I found a bra rack. Picked out 2 in my size and off to the register we went. I was thrilled to have new panties and couldn't wait to get home and put a pair on.

I get home. Get undressed. I wanted to put on a pair of my new panties and make sure the bras fit. Just as I'm naked there's a knock at the door. CRAP. No time to open packages and remove tags. I put my clothes back on and go to the door. When I'm done with that, I head back upstairs to again relish in my new purchases. I get undressed. I put on one of the new bras...PERFECT. It's comfortable, holds everything in, and kinda cute too. Now. The moment I've been waiting for for almost 7 years. I open the package of cotton panties and...my jaw drops...I look at the sizing on the back...I look at the picture on the front. How could I have made such an error...I BOUGHT GRANNY PANTIES. Not just sorta, I could gain 100 pounds...all in my butt...and these things would still fit. I mean, if my butt gets big enough to warrant these, it's gonna need a term life insurance policy all it's own. There was more material in one pair than all my salvageable other pairs. I wanted to cry.

Why didn't I just take the first 5 pairs, at $2.99 each, that I could see the full size of? Why was I so interested in getting the best deal? Why do I still have no new panties that I can wear without tucking them into my pants? More importantly...Will the store take them back after they've been opened?